I adamantly believe that my brokenness in the hands of an Almighty God is beautiful.

I turn another year older in just over two weeks.  As I sit here and reflect on this past year, I can tell you that I have never been more excited to start a new year- to start fresh.  I hope that when I get toward the end of my life, I can look back on this year and say that it was the most pivotal year because that was where I made the decision to grow rather than falter.  The year I decided that walking through the hurt and through the difficult times was necessary and not worth running from.  However, I can tell you that that perspective is not the one I currently have.

A year ago, on my birthday I was expecting life to look a lot different.  From moves, to jobs, to travel, I saw the future as exciting and I was ready for it.   Instead, this year brought heartbreak, it brought a tested career, it brought more to my plate than I have the time or the capacity to manage, it brought trauma, it brought hurt, it brought mistrust, and it brought fear.  It brought greater responsibility.

Pivotal year because that was where I made the decision to grow rather than falter.

Now, I say this to start the conversation because I am very aware that we all face pain and suffering.  This is my story.  This is where I am at.  It is important to me that I live a transparent life in a world of superficial social media personas.  I think we as a society have to fight to maintain the human connection and the reality that we have everything at our fingertips and yet we know too many people suffering from anxiety and depression.  I hope that my life is as transparent as I am able to show so that it may just help someone else.  That when I interact with people, they know that they are a priority and that even in the struggles and even in the good times that we are all trying to figure this out. 

My favorite moment of this past year was a late night conversation I had with friends about life.  About how our generation is the guinea pig for social media, for instant connection, for new technology.  We talked about the reality that this has impacts that no one saw coming and no one has quite grasped yet.  That it drives us to have a fear of missing out (FOMO), that comparison is constantly in our faces, that dating is awkward because people can seek emotional needs from anyone in an instant over Instagram DMs, Text Messages, etc.  That it drives anxiety and depression.  How do we as a generation overcome these influences?  What will our society look like in ten years?  Can we combat this and be real about what is happening?  I think it starts with being honest and transparent.

It is not lost on me that I am blessed beyond all measure.  That I have more than I could ever need, yet I am struggling to keep my head about the raging sea.  Coming from an Enneagram 1, I can tell you that the fact that I know this and cannot figure it out drives me crazy – but it also points to a bigger societal concern that so many of us face.

This is my story.

A year.

A year is all it took to make me feel broken.  To make me understand that hurt after hurt after hurt builds up and it brings up the past.  This year, I have walked through significant breakups, growing into a job much bigger than myself, intense meetings in foreign countries, constant travel, lies (continually), dramatic co-workers, trauma, starting grad school (while working full time), being misunderstood again and again, and starting therapy.  There has rarely been a night in the past four months that I have not cried myself to sleep.  There has not been a day in the past four months that I have not told myself that the pain will go away and that the tears will be gone.  I am exhausted, I am burnout, I am scared, I am hurt, I no longer trust.  I am my own worst critic – I want to be able to pour into others and to give advice- but I feel l have little to give. 

As I look at another year ending and it being such a difficult year, I intentionally choose to celebrate the end of it – to know that hope is there for a fresh start and that this year, while extremely difficult, also brought significant growth or at least it will. Because at the end of the day, I adamantly believe that my brokenness in the hands of an Almighty God is beautiful.

This next year looks like a tightening of my circle, of showing myself both time and grace to heal, of asking for help, of admitting that in this stage of life I need friends to show up and to show up big and tangibly.  This is a year that I want to address the hurts and the pain and not let them become something I run from or repeat.  It is a year of being a little less trusting and a little more ready to listen to the people around me about situations I walk into.  It looks like a year of listening more to my head than to my heart.  It looks like learning to not live in fear.  It is a year of addressing the difficulties and having difficult conversations. A year of drawing firm boundaries even with those closest to me.  It is a year of hope. 

Defined: to check, adjust, or determine by comparison with a standard. To make corrections in; adjust.

As a One on the Enneagram Scale, I like to think that I have a strong sense of right and wrong and that I am always trying to make change for the good.  I hold myself to a very high standard. But true to the Enneagram scale my type in stress is a Four; where my fear becomes not having an identity or personal significance and emotions run high.

Now I will be honest, feeling like I do not have an identity or a clear focus on establishing reform has never happened to me. I say this because I think it is important that we listen to ourselves and the ways in which our minds speak. When things change; we need to recalibrate and understand the motivations or situations behind the change. It was not until I was discussing Enneagram types with some friends and giving advice, that I came to understand what was happening in my own heart and head. My emotions were kicking in as a Four and my One-self was drowning in those emotions and feelings of losing my identity.

When things change; we need to recalibrate and understand the motivations behind the change.

If you do not follow Enneagram or know your type, I highly recommend that you look into it.  It is a great tool to understanding yourself a little bit better and working toward the healthiest you.  But if you have no interest, this post still holds significance.  We all owe ourselves some reflection and some recalibration; especially in the midst of life’s busiest seasons.  My whole point is based on the fact that I contend that we all must have a standard or a measure. That standard is up to you and you may not know what that standard is.  But start by asking yourself how you know when you’re not healthy or when you’re in a season of life that is too difficult; what are you judging this off of?  

Over the past month, I have sat on the word recalibrate. What was I asking myself to do? How deep was I going to make myself actually look? Was I really going to drag myself into this recalibration process and set my eyes back on the standard? Yes, but slowly; although I was going to push myself because I want to be in my secure point (Enneagram One). It didn’t take a quick process to get me to my stress point; although some of the situations in my life could have easily been the one to push me to that point. But I think just as it is a shock to our system to hit our stress point, it is also a shock to our system to go the other way too quickly. Acting in your stress point may also be a defense mechanism that your body needs for a minute. But the biggest reason I say slowly is so that you really walk through the process of recalibrating yourself and understanding the influences that got you here. That is where change comes from.

Recalibrate: this looks like me taking a deep dive into my thoughts and extending myself some grace to fail a few times before I get back to myself.  It looks like space.  It looks like time.  It looks like assessing where I am at.  Asking questions: Where do your thoughts dwell?  Where does your heart dwell?  These not only will tell you where you are currently at; but they will also start to show you the standard or the measure you are trying to get back to. 

The biggest action step forward?  I contend is our choices.  I fully believe that life is a series of choices.  I do not think that most of the choices we face as adults are right or wrong; but rather a choice we get to make and it how those fit into our standard.  Our lives are given to freely make choices.  Yes, there are poor life choices; but I also think that when we put actual thought into a choice or we are at a crossroad it is just a decision on where our life will go and what we are choosing to prioritize.  When we are calibrated these decisions become easier.  My choices as of late have been to mute certain conversations on my phone, to disable some of my Social Media for a time, to give myself a day off, and to really dwell on why my heart feels so out of place.  To stop always forcing myself to face the hurt and allow time to see the motivations behind others actions.

We all have a standard or measure.

I cannot sit here and tell you that in difficult seasons, or in seasons in which you are not walking in your secure point, everything will become easier by recalibrating your life.  But what I can tell you is that the more you understand the reasons behind the changes, behind the difference in your actions and emotions, the more you grow and allow the busy or difficult seasons to transform you.

I fully believe that we are called to walk through seasons of life that shape us in ways we could not imagine. Currently, I am walking through a season in which all of the change I powered through is now taking its toll. A place where I am trying once again to understand who I am because I work a job that is bigger than me and requires me to grow in ways I wouldn’t have recognized a year ago. It’s a season of learning that I’m not balancing well and I’m burnt out. A season where every decision feels like a weight and impacts more than a single voice should. A season where the unthinkable happens and I am reminded time and time again that my reactions dictate how things proceed.  I have walked into work with the same thought in my head for the past month; “I don’t have anything left to offer in this season. I am weak.”

Now, I want to be careful, and not for anyone else but than for myself, to state that weakness is a necessity. I grew up with the understanding that you do not show weakness. If you didn’t have a broken bone you were not coming off of that playing field.  You sucked it up. And to some extent I am glad that is what I was taught because sometimes in life you have to tough things out. But I think the opposite is also true. I believe that some seasons of life we are called to be weak and to feel everything. That is the season I am in now.

I have had a few friends look at my life over the past month and say they wished they had it together like I do. Let’s speak truth guys! None of us has it all together and I do not pretend to. But I contend that it is dangerous if we continue to live out “perfect lives”! This is unattainable and it leads to comparison, anxiety, depression, and distrust. Seasons come and seasons go, the people that stick around in the midst of those are worth their weight in gold.

Let’s not pretend any more. Let’s be honest.

So to my friends, my life is not all put together. And that is okay and that is how it is meant to be. Right now, I’m walking through a season of life that feels a little heavier than normal and one in which I feel everything all the deeper as I try to figure out my identity and how my personality has changed in the past year. I had a close friend tell me the other day that all he could do was be honest with where he was at. And the respect I have for that is immense. Now its time that we all do that.

Now I fully intended to finish this post with what is above and leave it at that.  But the past two days have challenged me more to live out what I keep professing.  That we all have a voice that matters and that we must speak truth in order to progress as a society.  I can tell you the feeling of not having anything left in me has kept me quiet in situations lately.  When decisions that I make involve the lives of others I have become hesitant to commit because it feels like too heavy of a weight to carry.  But who am I if I do not speak truth to better peoples lives?  So, today I spoke.  Today, I faced a decision that was deeply rooted in fear and today I was completely honest with where I was at.  I am weak. I am not able to do the required steps on my own and I need people to walk it with me.  It may not be the bravest of steps or the most powerful of decisions, but it was true and it was hard and one day it will feel worth it.

I am willing to admit that I have biases that I am not aware of.   I am willing to admit that my life experiences are far from uncomfortable. I am willing to listen.

I have a lot to learn in this world and I want to sit at the table not to be heard but to grow.  I believe that we all have life experiences that should be shared; that should be expressed in order for us as a society to better ourselves.  We all hold value.  But I am willing to start by putting myself last.

Let’s start here.

One of the most underrated values in our culture is respect and the understanding that everything we say and do matters.  It matters because it is a voice – it is powerful- it demands value- it demands to be heard.  All voices – regardless of if you agree or disagree- can and should be heard. 

But with a caveat.

This caveat is that a voice must speak truth – has to know to be quiet at times – seek to further others, not tear other down.  We are not free to destroy one another with our voices. To speak – to have a voice- is powerful, but to stand in the silence – the grace – to hear is the true power.

To have a voice is one of the most powerful tools we grant each other – whether it is the power we grant a friend to speak into our lives, or a mentor to speak truth into our future, or a significant other to speak to our hearts, or to those different than ourselves to speak experience into our worldview.  Words have power and require us to respect one another.  When we do not give each other a voice, we are taking away power. We are saying that their life does not matter, that their experiences do not matter, that they are alone.

To have a voice is one of the most powerful tools we grant each other.

I could sit here and list the divisions our world, our country, or our society are prone to explore right now; but instead of rehashing the negative, I want to focus on the solution.  In this day and age, too many people stand in the polarity.  Not many are walking the middle ground.  Not many are willing to sit down and have a conversation – a conversation to understand – to shape a worldview from the experiences of others.  Not many are willing to dig deep into these issues, into these divisions, into these hard topics and admit that they may be wrong or that they may not be as right as they once thought. 

We live in a culture where social media makes everyone’s voice seem louder and where people feel the freedom to say even more because a screen separates us.  But maybe just maybe this is part of the problem?  Maybe if we stopped screaming, stopped fighting so hard to defend our polarity, stopped attacking one another; we would find that we are all human and all trying to make the best of our lives, that we can disagree and still be respectful and care for one another.

To not have the conversation because of discomfort is the definition of privilege… Your comfort is not at the center.  That’s not how this works….The people who are being persecuted are not responsible for building the table where the conversation will take place.

Brene Brown

I love this quote because what our society needs is for leadership that walks in the discomfort of the issues we are facing and leads the conversation.  These conversations will always be uncomfortable but if we keep shying away from the fact that there are issues to be addressed and movement that we need to make as a world then we will continue to live in the polarity and voices will continue to be ignored. 

To have a voice is one of the most powerful tools we grant each other and its time we came to the table.

It has been a tough month. One filled with facing fears I have suppressed. One of seeing the wickedness of man and experiencing the most jarring instances of helplessness. One of watching my voice not matter and almost all stability shaken and not secure. One of some of the highest of highs and moments I will be the most proud of in my life and one of of the lowest of lows that will forever shape the woman that I am. And while I will not sit here and comment on the situations of this month or all of the struggles and fears I have, I do want to talk about the piece of this that has kept me in the fight.

Grace.

Undeserved grace.

Now it has taken me 25+ years to understand this, but the life advice to surround yourself with good people, honest people, not yes-men; is sound advice. But I will go one step further. Chose to surround yourself by people who will extend you grace.

We are all trying to figure out our place. We are all “works in progress” and trying to figure out this whole “adult” thing. But community matters in the fight to overcome that. Community is essential to humanity. It is essential to our progress and it is essential to our well being. But even more so, grace In your community is a requirement. We will fall short. We will fail. We will have to stare evil in the face and we may not react well. We will disappoint people. We will triumph and we will fall. But grace is the hand reaching down.

Grace in your community is a requirement.

Grace is the person who celebrates the victories, big and small. Grace is the person who speaks truth the loudest when you’re not willing to hear it or you’re fears are screaming in the other ear. Grace is the person who calls you in the midst of your brokenness, in the midst of staring evil in the face just to be there for your tears. Grace is the hug from the person who knows you are broken. Grace is the person who is patient when you choose not to listen to truth and instead listen to your emotions. Grace is the person who cares for your heart by telling you the absolute truth. Grace is the person who is also trying to figure out their life and priorities and chooses to speak into yours. Grace is willing to listen and not speak.

Without grace we cannot love ourselves well and we cannot love others well.

Be the grace someone else needs and accept the grace others extend to you. Find a a community bent on showing grace and keep fighting!

Since moving to Washington DC six years ago, my constant prayer has been to have thick skin and a soft heart.  I believe that it is worth the daily, if not hourly fight to keep this in its proper place- to not allow myself to live with fragile skin and a hard heart. 

But how do you seek a soft heart in the midst of a cutthroat city, in the midst of a broken world, in the midst of a social media culture?  And how do you maintain it?

Fight your inner critic.  I believe that the first battle to wage in the war for thick skin and a soft heart is against our own self.  Against the negative self-talk, against the negative assessment of your failings or shortcomings.  Partner with yourself, don’t stand in your own way.  You can push yourself to success all day long, but if you’re not content with what your heart wanted or needed in the first place have you really achieved much?  Identify the lies that have a grasp on your mind and heart and take steps to speak truth into those deepest parts.  You are worthy of goodness and no one can take that away.  You inherently deserve to be treated with respect and care; but it starts with your own self.

It starts with your own self.

Invest your time in what matters.  Take time to get to know your heart.  Take time to get to know your personality.  Take the time be comfortable being alone – to hear your thoughts and to understand them. Our culture tells us the opposite.  Social media is full of the highlights of everyone’s lives and the fear of missing out is real.  But freedom, peace, contentment comes when we take the time to invest in who we are and listen to our needs.  Invest in your heart.  Take the time to sing, to hike, to run, to read, to sail, to paint- whatever brings your inner-self out.  Take personality tests.  Takes ridiculous BuzzFeed Quizzes.  Get to know yourself!

Build community.  This is the advice that finally made Washington DC home for me.  Surround yourself with relationships that speak truth into your life – the people that will drop anything to pick you up off the floor – to call you out in your pride – to stand with you in your humility.  Trust them.  Be vulnerable with them.   Not everyone we meet or know will be this kind of people.  Some people we meet will be the ones who we hang out with at a party or who we know will be a good time – but the people who will dig in deep- they are worth every ounce of our attention and time.  They will be the ones who help keep your heart soft in a hard world.

The people who will dig in deep – they are worth every ounce of our attention and time.

Be Vulnerable. We are all putting together the broken and jagged pieces into something beautiful.  We are all stained glass.  It is worth letting the light shine through the most broken of our parts.  It is worth being human – it is important to be vulnerable – to continue to use your voice to let others in – to not allow your heart to grow calloused and fearful of being heard. It is when we stop being open about what is happening in our lives that we lose the fight – that we lose the connections to each other that allow us to grow, to heal, to be strong, to stay humble.

Overcome. The beauty of our humanity is that we are ever changing and ever growing.  You do not have to be the same person you were an hour ago, a day ago, a year ago.  It is your choice to overcome what you are facing, to choose to see the joy in all situations, or to allow the pain one more day, one more minute to teach our heart the reality of the broken world we live in or what we are leaving behind. 

Wage the war for your heart.  

Sometimes Love Just Isn’t Enough

This saying may be one of the most damaging lies our society has sold to us.  We get our hearts broken or we feel less than and we choose to believe that we cannot open ourselves up to one more person who has the opportunity to hurt us- to know us.  That love cannot overcome the fears- the hurt- the rejection-the loneliness.

Let’s face it, we all have doubts about ourselves – call them insecurities, call them heartbreak, call them betrayals- they are real and they matter.  They are important.  They are significant. They shape us- our thoughts, our actions, our reactions, who we let love us, who we choose to love, what we choose to numb the hurt – but they do not end there.  They matter because they are what makes us human – perfectly imperfect.

I admit, I am no expert.  I have far from experienced some of the unfathomable hurts, heartbreaks, and betrayals that exist in this world.  This is by no means is meant to generalize the hurt, the pain- It is real!

As we live in a world that continues to highlight the divisions, the hurts, and the hatred – the lie that love isn’t enough is reinforced.  In our darkest moments as a society and as a world it is often easier to say that love isn’t enough.  But I once had a friend challenge me in that every time I make a comment about something not being enough- it more times than not is worth it, it is enough.  It is a defense mechanism, a lie to soothe.  A LIE. A coping mechanism; which is sometimes necessary in the face of the deepest hurts.  But at the end of the day it is still a lie and not what our hearts need.  Love is enough- in fact it is more.

Love is enough – in fact it is more.

Let me get personal.  I am a controlled person – I like to keep my emotions in check by logic and I do not open up easily.  I feel like I have to earn love- that I have to prove that I am worthy.  I have walked through health scares in which I have gone to sleep terrified that death would meet me when I closed my eyes.  That in those moments, I was alone.  I have died- several times- throughout my life because of a medical condition that wasn’t discovered until I was 25.  I walked through that life altering diagnosis.  I walked through and still do, the constant fear- the constant looks from people who know and treat me differently.  I have walked through the best of friends choosing jealousy and selfishness instead of celebrating the victories in life.  I have walked through breaking someone else’s heart and I have walked through watching someone I love move away.  I have walked through the heartbreak of someone else’s insecurities- fears- and not knowing what they wanted.

I am insecure.  I am constantly battling the thoughts of how do I earn love?  Am I enough? Can I be the person I need to be for others?  I am my own worst critic.  I live in the constant fear of letting people in and wanting so desperately to be known and understood.  I am scared of saying the wrong thing or that a single action will be the reason someone leaves- the reason someone chooses that I am not worthy of loving.  I am in a constant battle of being a woman in a man’s world – of having to be a different person at work -of extending a little less grace at work because I cannot be the woman who is emotional or who is a push over- but I cannot be just a more assertive me either- I have to balance it so that I am not the bitch.  I am learning to reconcile the two people I am forced to be in order to be taken seriously in this man’s world.  I hate walking into meetings where the men look at me differently, respect me less.  I am constantly avoiding the sexual comments or even trying to laugh off the overt sex talk because it’s the boys club.  And these all just barely scratch the surface of the cuts that shape me. The cuts and circumstances that make me cry in the middle of the night – but they all shape my view of myself.  They are the voices in my head that feed the lies that I am not enough- that the next guy will also play games with my heart.  And I can tell you that the hardest part about walking through a breakup (may it be a friend or a significant other) isn’t the grieving of that person not being in your life anymore or the feeling of rejection – because let’s face it; it was their loss- but it is the impact that person continues to have even when they are gone.  That even when someone in our lives hurts us and is no longer in a position to do it again-they still have ramifications on how we move forward.  Their hurts cause us to think differently – choose to be more insecure- fear love- react to things we wouldn’t have before and it becomes easy to in the face of all the hurt-of all the influences- to believe the lies – to believe that love isn’t enough.  That love cannot heal because it was what hurt the first time. That love isn’t going to touch the deepest of cuts or make us worthy.

But those are lies. Its time for our culture to recognize that absolutes do exist.  That love is more than enough.  In the midst of the fear – love is worth it.  Love is a healer.  Love is vulnerable – but it does not hate.  Love is choosing others or even ourselves.  It is letting the differences our society is quick to point out go to the wayside and choosing to listen.  Love is not judgmental.  Love is kind. Love is a connector not a divider.  Love is universal- across languages – across cultures.  It is choosing to look at another person and understand that we are all flawed and all in need of being known and understood.

It is letting the differences our society is quick to point out go to the wayside and choosing to listen.

So in the darkest of days – in the deepest of hurts, love is worth it.  Do not fear to love or love again. Fight to love. Fight the lie of fear.  Choose to have thick skin and a soft heart.  Fight to see the good around you and in all circumstances.  I can promise that even in the fear and the heart shattering moments- love is always worth it.  Love seeks nothing in return-it is selfless- it is a choice – it is an action to put another person or people first – ahead of your gain- ahead of your needs.  There is power in love.

Choose to continue to love.  Choose to let love in.  You are worthy of love- let it transform you.  Let other people love you.  Let yourself love others.