If you are like me, you’re ready for a little bit less social distancing and a little less time to process. I have not shied away from the fact that 2019 was the single hardest year of life. One that brought changes to every aspect of my life; love at first sight, health, safety, trauma, fear, betrayals, moves, travels. I questioned who I could trust, where my safety was, who would have my back as I fell apart, and where God was in the midst of it all. And then 2020 came, and January shattered my sense of respect and trust for people further, all while I was across the globe with no ability to play a part. But then February came, and March, and April, and May, and life went on. I still woke up the next day. The nights filled with tears and hyperventilating, the nights of nightmares and panic attacks, the nights of feeling my heart break in parts of me i didn’t know existed- didn’t stop the morning from coming. 

I am learning a lot (maybe too much) in this different pace of life amidst a global pandemic. I am learning that it’s okay to fall apart. It’s okay to mourn the things that hurt us. It’s okay to face the hard things. It’s okay to face ourselves and it’s okay to face others. That life will go on; tomorrow will come and you may not feel stronger but these are the days that we determine the grit within us to carry on. 

I used to think I was tough because I could walk through anything and separate my emotions from it or that I could simply power my way through the hard times- but now I understand how limited my view of strength was. I am stronger now because I understand what it is to be weak, that there is more strength in walking the difficult roads and facing the hurt than there is in running from it or pushing it for my future self to face. Strength is in accepting our humanity and our weakness and embracing that we may have this all wrong. I am not strong because I can compartmentalize. I am strong because I feel pain and betrayal and I choose to feel and forgive. I am not strong because I can spin a story for others to think more of me. I am strong because I can voice my pain and hurt and progress forward. 

Now I don’t have this all figured out and I never will, but I accept that I am weak and weary after a season of life that took more than it gave. I accept that a single person can take away my sense of safety. I  accept that in someone else’s brokenness my heart was and still is betrayed. I accept that some people cannot be trusted and that respect is a high quality to have these days. I accept that the ramifications of COVID-19 are overwhelming me and that I am burnt out. I accept that I am hurting. 

I think that is where we start. We accept the heartbreak and the hurt and we hope- for tomorrow will come.