Dear me,

There are some things you should know.  The difference between you and I, is that I have been given time; but in time you’ll see that the path you will have to walk is not an easy path. Some days I mourn the loss of you- the loss of your trusting nature, the loss of your gentle heart, the loss of the shy girl who was quick not to voice her opinion, the loss of your composure, the loss of your fearlessness. Some days I wish I was you.

I don’t write this to scare you, embarrass you, or frustrate you – but to fight for your heart in the midst of the path ahead.  Always remember how important it is to have tough skin and a soft heart; don’t ever lose sight of that.  Don’t ever let the world tell you otherwise; your heart is a gift.

The path you’re on will bring many great things.  You will have people in your life that are ride or dies.  You will meet some people that will, no matter the road ahead, make the choice to show up, pick you up off of the floor, let you cry or sit in silence or sleep on your couch when you’re too scared to close your eyes.  Be quick to notice those people- they are the most cherished gifts on this earth. They are the ones who will get you through the darkest of days. 

But dear, the nights are going to be long.  Learn to sleep when you can and to trust that you are safe when you close your eyes.  Let the tears come and be honest, for you are going to learn quick that when you come face-to-face with evil; you are forever changed.  You will spend a lifetime after those moments realizing the impact of evil.  But always remember God is near.  Remember that while the path is not welcomed, it is so important to stumble through it authentically – stop wearing the masks and allow your brokenness to stand; for when you are weak you are strong.  The world needs a lot more people who are willing to be weak. 

Somethings are going to shatter your heart.  Love at first sight is real and once in a lifetime; heartbreak is going to be around more often.  Your heart is going to get walked on.  Your trust is going to be broken.  But dear always choose to love again.  Do not wait around for any man, always choose to hope in love. Go on the date. Kiss the boy. Let your heart fall and always choose to fight for love no matter the cost. Those are the moments you will remember at the end of all of this – the moments where you chose love regardless of fear or the risk to your heart.

You’re going to learn quickly that women are treated differently in a man’s world.  You will become calloused, you will fight for your voice to exist, and you are going to be tough; but always show grace – to yourself and to others.  Your voice matters and you can trust your instincts despite the doubt or despite how you are treated.  You are placed in positions for just a time as this.  Be quick to come alongside other women – you are in this together. 

The path you are going to walk is going to give you a different perspective; one in which you will realize quickly that we are all just one moment away from trauma, one moment away from knowing death or knowing evil.  While those may bring you to your knees; learn to fight from there – only you have the ability to be fully broken – no one else has that power. 

Dear, stand in weakness, stand in the power of being authentic and loving despite the evil. 

If you are like me, you’re ready for a little bit less social distancing and a little less time to process. I have not shied away from the fact that 2019 was the single hardest year of life. One that brought changes to every aspect of my life; love at first sight, health, safety, trauma, fear, betrayals, moves, travels. I questioned who I could trust, where my safety was, who would have my back as I fell apart, and where God was in the midst of it all. And then 2020 came, and January shattered my sense of respect and trust for people further, all while I was across the globe with no ability to play a part. But then February came, and March, and April, and May, and life went on. I still woke up the next day. The nights filled with tears and hyperventilating, the nights of nightmares and panic attacks, the nights of feeling my heart break in parts of me i didn’t know existed- didn’t stop the morning from coming. 

I am learning a lot (maybe too much) in this different pace of life amidst a global pandemic. I am learning that it’s okay to fall apart. It’s okay to mourn the things that hurt us. It’s okay to face the hard things. It’s okay to face ourselves and it’s okay to face others. That life will go on; tomorrow will come and you may not feel stronger but these are the days that we determine the grit within us to carry on. 

I used to think I was tough because I could walk through anything and separate my emotions from it or that I could simply power my way through the hard times- but now I understand how limited my view of strength was. I am stronger now because I understand what it is to be weak, that there is more strength in walking the difficult roads and facing the hurt than there is in running from it or pushing it for my future self to face. Strength is in accepting our humanity and our weakness and embracing that we may have this all wrong. I am not strong because I can compartmentalize. I am strong because I feel pain and betrayal and I choose to feel and forgive. I am not strong because I can spin a story for others to think more of me. I am strong because I can voice my pain and hurt and progress forward. 

Now I don’t have this all figured out and I never will, but I accept that I am weak and weary after a season of life that took more than it gave. I accept that a single person can take away my sense of safety. I  accept that in someone else’s brokenness my heart was and still is betrayed. I accept that some people cannot be trusted and that respect is a high quality to have these days. I accept that the ramifications of COVID-19 are overwhelming me and that I am burnt out. I accept that I am hurting. 

I think that is where we start. We accept the heartbreak and the hurt and we hope- for tomorrow will come.