I adamantly believe that my brokenness in the hands of an Almighty God is beautiful.

I turn another year older in just over two weeks.  As I sit here and reflect on this past year, I can tell you that I have never been more excited to start a new year- to start fresh.  I hope that when I get toward the end of my life, I can look back on this year and say that it was the most pivotal year because that was where I made the decision to grow rather than falter.  The year I decided that walking through the hurt and through the difficult times was necessary and not worth running from.  However, I can tell you that that perspective is not the one I currently have.

A year ago, on my birthday I was expecting life to look a lot different.  From moves, to jobs, to travel, I saw the future as exciting and I was ready for it.   Instead, this year brought heartbreak, it brought a tested career, it brought more to my plate than I have the time or the capacity to manage, it brought trauma, it brought hurt, it brought mistrust, and it brought fear.  It brought greater responsibility.

Pivotal year because that was where I made the decision to grow rather than falter.

Now, I say this to start the conversation because I am very aware that we all face pain and suffering.  This is my story.  This is where I am at.  It is important to me that I live a transparent life in a world of superficial social media personas.  I think we as a society have to fight to maintain the human connection and the reality that we have everything at our fingertips and yet we know too many people suffering from anxiety and depression.  I hope that my life is as transparent as I am able to show so that it may just help someone else.  That when I interact with people, they know that they are a priority and that even in the struggles and even in the good times that we are all trying to figure this out. 

My favorite moment of this past year was a late night conversation I had with friends about life.  About how our generation is the guinea pig for social media, for instant connection, for new technology.  We talked about the reality that this has impacts that no one saw coming and no one has quite grasped yet.  That it drives us to have a fear of missing out (FOMO), that comparison is constantly in our faces, that dating is awkward because people can seek emotional needs from anyone in an instant over Instagram DMs, Text Messages, etc.  That it drives anxiety and depression.  How do we as a generation overcome these influences?  What will our society look like in ten years?  Can we combat this and be real about what is happening?  I think it starts with being honest and transparent.

It is not lost on me that I am blessed beyond all measure.  That I have more than I could ever need, yet I am struggling to keep my head about the raging sea.  Coming from an Enneagram 1, I can tell you that the fact that I know this and cannot figure it out drives me crazy – but it also points to a bigger societal concern that so many of us face.

This is my story.

A year.

A year is all it took to make me feel broken.  To make me understand that hurt after hurt after hurt builds up and it brings up the past.  This year, I have walked through significant breakups, growing into a job much bigger than myself, intense meetings in foreign countries, constant travel, lies (continually), dramatic co-workers, trauma, starting grad school (while working full time), being misunderstood again and again, and starting therapy.  There has rarely been a night in the past four months that I have not cried myself to sleep.  There has not been a day in the past four months that I have not told myself that the pain will go away and that the tears will be gone.  I am exhausted, I am burnout, I am scared, I am hurt, I no longer trust.  I am my own worst critic – I want to be able to pour into others and to give advice- but I feel l have little to give. 

As I look at another year ending and it being such a difficult year, I intentionally choose to celebrate the end of it – to know that hope is there for a fresh start and that this year, while extremely difficult, also brought significant growth or at least it will. Because at the end of the day, I adamantly believe that my brokenness in the hands of an Almighty God is beautiful.

This next year looks like a tightening of my circle, of showing myself both time and grace to heal, of asking for help, of admitting that in this stage of life I need friends to show up and to show up big and tangibly.  This is a year that I want to address the hurts and the pain and not let them become something I run from or repeat.  It is a year of being a little less trusting and a little more ready to listen to the people around me about situations I walk into.  It looks like a year of listening more to my head than to my heart.  It looks like learning to not live in fear.  It is a year of addressing the difficulties and having difficult conversations. A year of drawing firm boundaries even with those closest to me.  It is a year of hope.